How To LP: A Definitive Guide To Success
So, you want to LP? While you might be tempted to design a sustainable business that scales up, this would be a mistake—scales should only be used to round cannabis packages up to proper weight with metal and pencil shavings (props to the dudes that used a whole pencil).
You want to grow good cannabis for a fair price and build a reputation for standing behind that product, but this too will lead you down the wrong path. All those forward looking statements and drug busts with the million dollar price tags prove beyond a doubt that even in a regulated industry, cannabis companies should be making billions of dollars annually, and that’s a gravy train you want to be on.
Wanna LP? It Starts at the Top
All those guys you went to high school with? Hire them to your leadership team immediately (unless they have cannabis experience, then put them in shipping). Another strategy that works well is to hire the people who have the most dirt on you—this keeps them indebted to you, creating a toxic environment where everyone kisses your ass.
All About That Celery
Your leadership team should all be making a minimum of six figures before you’ve sold a single product. Don’t worry, you will be able to show investors you are fiscally responsible with your low-end hires (which have the added bonus of allowing more diversity hires for less). The main thing you want to ensure is that your leadership has enough money to go to space when they leave in a couple of years.
Buy a Legacy Brand
All you need is the name, and their customers will automatically buy this product (even though it is completely different, at a different price point, and zero of the same people are involved). Those legacy craft dollars will soon be flowing your way. This also allows you to claim you are transitioning legacy players to the legal system while simultaneously denying them any place in the legal industry—hey, piggybacking off all their effort has worked out pretty well so far.
Who needs them, amirite? At some point, you will probably have to hire one though. Yes, I know it makes those strip club meetings with investors awkward, but you don’t have to invite her, and can probably keep her in the dark about that anyway. Again, this is a good use of low-paying, high-responsibility roles, and hiring more than one allows you to look super-diverse. Consider minorities: the more men of colour you can hire, the less women you’ll have to hire. Gay white men are also an excellent choice.
Words Matter, Choose Wisely
Words like ‘bro’, ‘dude’, ‘man’, and ‘son’ should be used as frequently as possible. This helps remind the women on staff that they don’t belong, or at the very least, aren’t being asked for their opinion. ‘Legacy’ should also be used often to help craft the narrative that the illicit market is dead, and they left everything to you. ‘Craft’ should also be used without limitation.
Get Growing, Son
Hire a Master Grower (hey, that slave lingo is great). Force them to grow at a scale they have never seen before. Important: the more cannabis experience they have, the less they should be listened to. This also applies to any cannabis experienced people you have, and obviously, women. Only implement their advice when they are gone and you can take credit for all the things they suggested.
Representing a small number of potential customers, they are picky, often experienced, and information-hungry. These are not your people. Pay them lip service, especially with investor-focused press releases not likely to amount to anything. Whatever you do, do not use these people to build a dedicated following of knowledgable and passionate consumers, gain product insights, or build a decent customer care team. Also, don’t forget to complain constantly that the illicit market you killed is somehow still stealing your money, I mean consumers.
Marketing That Shizzle
Not important. There are a ton of people who are very experienced at selling shoes, breakfast cereals, and cars. Outsource. These people are pros, and it doesn’t matter if they don’t know anything about cannabis or cannabis users. They won’t help build customer loyalty, but investors won’t know the difference; they will be impressed at how much money is being spent, and will like the pretty colours. If marketing must be done in house, hire a dude with zero experience who can’t read the regulations. You can push those boundaries without a plan or a goal, it’s cool. A final thing to remember about marketing: vowels are like women, you don’t really need them.
Buy Boy, Buy
These strategies will at first appear to be failing, that’s how you know you are on the right track! Soon, you will be in a position to sell to another LP, or to buy another LP. Buying is great because it ensures you will not be profitable any time soon, meaning a longer period of not paying out investors. Despite this, buying other failing LPs convinces investors that “you are a success. You are a master entrepreneur, a titan of business; I mean, it’s not your fault ungrateful consumers won’t pay $30 a gram.”
When All Else Fails
Okay, so you’ve done all of the above, and it’s still not working out? You’ve complained about regulations being too tough, you’ve complained about illicit business, you’ve complained about the provinces, you’ve complained about cheapskate consumers, and you’ve complained about other LPs. You’ve tried growing extra crops in secret rooms, you’ve tried the fertilizer in the ceiling trick, you’ve even given an entire town legionnaires’ disease, AND you’ve hired some cops, and are still afraid none of it is going to get your company out of the hole it’s in?
So what? By the time anyone figures it out, you’ll be in space, my man.